Life is hard but there's a Savior.

Someone once told me, remember on those hard days, it's only one day. A single period of 24 hours. If you can only get through that one day, you will slowly feel the blessings again.

The last year has been pretty tough. Love losses do that to you. The stages of grief are described by the Kübler-Ross model most popularly known as the five stages of grief. Though originally designed to aid terminally ill patients following diagnosis, they certainly apply to loss through physical death. The five stages are in order- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Most of us type A's sail right past denial to get to the anger and bargaining. I found myself quickly tap dance past denial and jump head long into anger over most of the past eleven months. I don't have to tell you I found this very surprising that I could not get past the anger. I pride myself on handling things. However, this time it was bigger than me, much bigger. I've spent a great deal of time in prayer begging God to free me from this pit. I've also spent a good deal of time cussing like a sailor, ranting, raving and thinking about why I would not pull some people from a burning house if I happened upon them. See, I told you I was angry. Our circle has been broken, Lord. That perfect circle of both my brothers children and mine, all healthy and happy- well it's broken. It will never be the same this side of heaven and that made my heart ache.
Then I remembered Lazarus. Well actually Jesus weeping over Lazarus. I think, thanks Lord, you could have reminded me of this story nine or ten months ago? Awww... there I go again. Jesus loved Lazarus greatly and was so distressed at his death, he wept even knowing he could resurrect him. Thinking about that is quite humbling to me. To know Jesus wept in his human form as we weep. Wow. Jesus raised Lazarus from the grave.

"I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live even though he dies and whoever lives and believes in me will never die" 

There are things in life I am uncertain about like turkey bacon (that's not real people, it's just not) but Jesus being who He says He is? No doubts about that. I was ten years old when I walked down the aisle of our little country church. I remember the conversations with mama & daddy and Crant over the previous week or two. I remember white knuckles on that pew when I could not stand there any longer on a Sunday in summer. God was calling and I was answering. I remember Brother T.H. Mize and his smile as I approached. I remember that prayer I prayed and the comfort I felt. It changed me.

There have been many blessings and many failures in my life. I have turned my back and drifted away from Him more times than I care to count but He is always waiting for me.
I once was quite insulted by someone I love, she went on..  "I understand you believe what you believe because your parents believed the same" .. whoa girl!
Of how wrong you were, I know God is the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega, Jesus is my Savior because he died and rose again for my transgressions, not because someone told me what to think. Do you even know me? 

You know why? Because I have experienced Gods grace in my life, His power and His forgiveness. I by all accounts should not still be here. Once I lay in a bed of my own blood after two surgeries, while they pumped more blood to veins in my legs and arms, as staff frantically worked to get me to surgery to stop the ruptured artery, the hospital chaplain praying over me as they rolled me down the hall. The surgeon pausing for a brief moment in the operating room to circle me with nurses and anesthetists to pray over me once again.
(Give me a praying, believing surgeon every time) 

I have felt the peace that passes all understanding and the assurance all would be fine. I trusted and He delivered. He always does.

Still, healing doesn't always come as we want. Sometimes healing comes through death. 

Cari would have been 40 today although her spirit and laughter said she was more like 25. She was very loved and is missed daily. She has four amazing children who undeniably look like her. Today is also Mama and Daddy's anniversary and I am reminded how long they have been gone. Although these losses are painful, I will see them again. There will be no pain, no fear, no tears in our eternal home. As a child I would hear older relatives say, "even so Lord come" and I didn't understand why but now I do. Today I woke with a familiar memory of Cari as a little girl in my car with her older sister and my daughter off to dance class- giggling and chattering. She was barely two. Thank you Lord. Today I will think of all the wonderful times and how blessed we were to have had all three of them in our lives. Life can be very painful but also amazing, filled with grace and joy, and the love of Jesus. If you respond to His call, you are never alone.

I will admit I have shed some tears but don't be sad for me. The anger is gone, my heart has been softened, I'm working on my mouth and I have been able to forgive. I skipped right over bargaining and depression too. My God is the greatest.

I will see Cari, Mama and Daddy again. How about you? Even so Lord, come.