We returned from a lovely week-long camping trip last Sunday. I was aware of what day it was and it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. It's more a longing now for eternal days to come. Mama died a short few minutes after midnight on May 1st.
It's been ten years now which is what I find so incredibly hard to believe, even though I know it's true. The memories rush to fill my head often and I welcome them. When a loved one is gone, those memories sustain us until the day we see them again. I can often hear her voice in my own or in my daughter, I see the sparkle of her quick sarcastic wit in both my son and daughter. I am often reminded by family how my hands look just like hers.
When I bake a cake I hear her lessons in my mind, "sift the flour, measure it and resift three times, It makes the cake high and light." Yes ma'am. She was right, it makes the cake divine! I withhold recipes because it may not be your time to have it yet and because she did the exact same thing. I always found that completely amusing and hilarious!! [It wasn't until she died and I perused her cookbook, I found the lemon square recipe she gave out was NOT her recipe at all. Hers was better, adjusted for personal taste.] Brilliantly done Mama!
A few days before her passing, she was admitted to the hospital and moved to palliative care. Almost every person dear to her came and visited, they all had the chance to say their goodbyes, to touch her, to tell her they loved her, even though she was sleeping.
I had imagined what these days would be like a million times over the last few years of her dementia. Her sharp wit was silenced, her memory dulled, often replaced by confusion. She still had a sense of humor at times, which was comforting. It was hard for her to pull up our names from memory but she knew all three of her children's faces. She knew we were hers.
I never imagined what The Father would give. The last 24 hours her vitals were stronger than they had been in a year. Nurses say it happens all the time. When people are surrounded by family they rally, their body responds because as much as we can humanly tell they can still hear us. What did she understand? We don't know for sure but I know she heard us all there with her. Telling stories of childhood all day that last day, with much laughter and tears.
Throughout our lives a recurring theme- even though mama could be excitable and jump to conclusions as she was a classic "over thinker".. when it came down to the serious, the important, she was reserved and steady. She was quiet and thinking how to diffuse things, resolute and unwavering in her support. Mama was the person you wanted there in a crisis, when your life took an uncertain turn. She generally got weak and had to take a seat when the "all clear" was announced but during the problem? Oh absolutely calm and under control with no judgement.
When all was quiet April 30th our sweet nurse Sarah gently woke us to say her time was close. Her breathing became soft and easy, no longer labored.
It was one of the sweetest moments of my life. She was the one who saw us come into the world and we were given the gift to see her go home. Thank you Lord.
I prayed for a long time for Gods best offerings on the day she would die. Selfishly I asked him to ease our pain because we had lost her over and over for almost six years. When she forgot one of our birthdays (even though you know why) it still hurts. When she was threatening and agitated (which was not like her at all) it caused pain. When you did all you could possibly do but she was still in pain.. Yes, I asked God to ease our pain, to ease her pain... let her go.
So this week, I think of her as Mothers day is almost here. I'm no longer sad, mama completed her task and went home. She taught us well and did her best. From the book of Matthew, chapter 25. I'm sure she heard "well done good and faithful servant" and until I see her again, that's enough.
I too will hear from my children and see some of them on Sunday after church, there will be phone calls and love expressed. She will be here, she's always here. She's in my kitchen, I can still hear her voice. She's in my plantings and blooms. She will always be with me. She's in my hands as I hold those I love close, close to me in my prayers as she taught me how. She is in everything and that brings comfort beyond words.
Happy Mothers Day.
